explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
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“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them