“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
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DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
when mom throws a party…
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred