[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
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him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter