Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
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broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
I think this should do it.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.