I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
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Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked