me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
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The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.