Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
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Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Seismologists are loyal to a fault