I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
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Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.