If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
You Might Also Like
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
brian had himself a morning…
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.