[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
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“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
The human personality is made of five key elements
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.