Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
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HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”