*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
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Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.