ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
You Might Also Like
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you