Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
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My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration