all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
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Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
These aliens are taking forever.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan