Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
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HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.