My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
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I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.