Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
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What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.