Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
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[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”