How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
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I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.