peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
You Might Also Like
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.