Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
You Might Also Like
🤭😂
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.