[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
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The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.