Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
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If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.