Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom馃嵎: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
You Might Also Like
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I鈥檓 controlling them with my mind, that鈥檚 normal right?
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
tinder is all about the long game
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Sorry not sorry.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you鈥檙e worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I鈥檓 the only one using it.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I鈥檝e done build a bear several times.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It鈥檚 neither.
Me: So they鈥檙e both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can鈥檛 be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your 岫溼祪食食岬掅禇 ‘fries’