The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
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Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
FRED: right
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Meanwhile in Portland…
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.