genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
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Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
What the hell happened in there??
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.