Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
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Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
I am crying
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?