Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
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A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
“i am a sweet baby”
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]