My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
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Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how