Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
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I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
These 3D printers are insane!
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.