Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
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Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,