All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
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It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…