I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
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[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.