The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
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Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Monica just destroyed the internet
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.