Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
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I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”