So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
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Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.