Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
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*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7