Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
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My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.