I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
You Might Also Like
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.