My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
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uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL