Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
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Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?