Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
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4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
want me to check your oil?
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car