Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
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Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Fidel Castro was alive?
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner