day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
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11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
I think the cat got the dog high.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.