Mood.. 😂
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Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Personal question. #JustSaying
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.