[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
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How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
oh good, now I can stop drinking
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.