Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
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Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Art by Pastelkatto
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
british sex workers really pound for pound
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
How much for the goth pool noodles?
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.