” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
You Might Also Like
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Bloody internet 😳
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
lmao
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.