[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
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*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
File under excellent bookstore names.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
This is sending me to another galaxy
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex